Suicide is a huge problem among members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I tried to off myself after a year and a half in AA.
I had lost all hope for the future, made my plans, and started the process of dying. When I came face to face with the black monolith, I discovered, much to my dismay, that I didn't have the courage to finish the job.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
My will gave me no other choice than to survive.
You might wonder how a sober AA member reaches the point where they think suicide is the only option. If you ask the unsuccessful suicides, their answers are strikingly similar. Each one that I have spoken to says the program made them feel so bad about themselves that the didn't want to live anymore.
Specifically, it was the steps that took them down.
That's how it was for me. But it wasn't just the steps.
For years after leaving AA I took complete responsibility, in good stepper fashion, for the emotional damage I sustained. I've always insisted that I was not exploited as a newcomer to AA, except in minor ways, and I always "saw my part". Maybe I lost a few bucks here and there, and had a couple of devious sponsors, but I never let anyone 13 step me.
Or did I?
I was not forced to join AA.
No one coerced me into joining AA, unless you count the fact that AA was the only game in town when I wanted help with substance abuse. I was in the middle of a divorce, detoxing, and rather manic due to thyroid disease, but I felt like I was in charge of my mind. I instantly spotted the sociopaths and thought I was immune to all the obvious con games.
Nevertheless, the slogans and dogma crept into my thinking.
A lifelong history as the family scapegoat made it all to easy to see myself as selfish, self-centered, and fatally diseased. During my AA fourth step, I was told to take responsibility for not just everything annoying and harmful I had done to others, but for every time I had been abused by family and strangers. My ego rebelled, but the poison entered my brain. I became extremely, hopelessly depressed, depressed to the point of despair.
At the advice of my AA friends, I sought professional help.
Everyone could see that I needed professional help. If I wasn't going to die, I desperately needed a therapist to help me extricate myself from the black hole I'd fallen into. There were obvious signs that my self-loathing had its roots in my intimate relationships. I hoped to resolve issues stemming from sexual abuse as an adolescent.
The therapist assigned to me reinforced the ego deflation I had undergone in AA.
She had been AA indoctrinated, no doubt. She chastised me severely when I displayed extreme negative emotions by weeping and wailing during our therapy sessions. Knowing I was an AA member, she decided to send me off to 12 step rehab. I went, but only stayed for three days.
Rehab was a 12 Step clown show.
I got righteously, gloriously, furiously angry, and said "fuck this shit".
And that's when my healing began.
I never let anyone 13 Step me in AA.
...or did I?
My life before AA taught me how to survive around alcoholics.
In AA I was told to forget all of what I had learned. Apparently I did, and it was a huge mistake.
I became involved with another AA newcomer after going to meetings for a couple of months.
He was a sociopath, narcissistic, jobless, and could not stay sober. He was young and cute and extremely talented, and I was nuts about him. He'd been hanging around AA for years, but I can't say he 13 stepped me. He was pretty much a clone of every other boyfriend I had ever had. Prior to going to AA I would have known exactly how to deal with him.
The steps taught me that I was a selfish cast iron bitch.
The stories of other members made me believe that I had always abused and played mind games with the people around me. I wanted more than anything Not to be that kind of person. I jumped through hoops trying to understand and be compassionate towards my boyfriend, who did not buy into the 12 Step ideal of humility. He was able to use everything I had learned in AA in order to manipulate me.
The worst part was, no matter what I said or did, I could not get him to go away.
The three days I spent in rehab managed to break that spell, too.
He gathered a selection of potential girlfriends during the time I was away. Most of the women who had previously tried to get me to break up with him were now lining up for the chance to be his caretaker, or to exploit him instead.
"Forget everything you think you know", "where did your best thinking get you", and "fear is false evidence appearing real".
These were things I heard almost every day from experienced AA members. Although I fought to hold onto my sense of self, more confidence in my own judgement slipped away from me the longer I remained in AA.
When I surrendered my faith in my own intuition, I lost all defense against bad advice and emotional manipulation. I was incapable of screening out the crazy things I heard from my fellow AA members, and could not keep from internalizing their less-than-helpful analyses of me.
This unintentional dropping of mental defense is the key to working the steps.
It's also the door that opens one up to mind control, manipulation, and exploitation. In my case, dropping my guard brought on a level of despair that lead me to believe that only death could make it stop.
I was scandalized when I first saw the AA comic book "Too Young".
Like most AA members and ex-members, I did not know that the GSO was actively "carrying the message" to adolescents.
The idea that AA's GSO wants to help hard drinking children doesn't surprise me.
The organization has proven itself to be very broadminded when it comes to drawing all types into the AA fold. But the organization stubbornly refuses to address the many harms that can befall vulnerable members. The fact that the organization is utterly unwilling to initiate any measures to protect young members from harm is unconscionable.
AA is not a safe place for anyone, let alone minors.
It doesn't seem possible that anyone could still be unaware of the many incidents of sexual abuse, violence, and even murder that have been committed upon AA members by other AA members.
Please feel free to look at my posts having to do with the13th step.
I'm sure the GSO pamphlet "Too Young" and others aimed at teenagers and pre-teens was designed with the best of intentions.
It is nevertheless false advertising, and has serious potential to result in harm to underage drinkers naive enough to swallow its message of sweetness and light.
If you care at all about the welfare of children, you can understand why "You don't have to tell anyone you're here" is not the best message to send them when trying to entice them into an unsupervised room full of God only knows what kind of people.
All of my other objections to the 12 step programs apply.
Does AA really think it's a good idea to instill a sense of powerlessness in a 13 year old?
Does the sponsor of a child expect them to "find their part" in any abuses they may have suffered?
Is it such a fine idea to teach children that a weakness for alcohol means that they are more selfish and self-centered than the rest of humanity?
Is it appropriate to tell a child, who may be only be experimenting with drinking, that they suffer from a spiritual malady and the cunning, baffling, and deadly disease of Alcoholism?
Teenage drinking is a big problem, and I'm not saying itshould be ignored.
What I am saying is that no parent who cared about their underage child would permit them to attend AA without an escort, or turn a blind eye if they found out that their child was going to AA meetings without their knowledge.
AA is not safe for minors.
I went into quite a bit of detail about the AA kiddie comics in my "Too Young for AA" post from August of this year.
The animation above uses clippings borrowed from "Too Young", copyright 2003, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., with a few comments of my own thrown in.
Not only are they entertaining, in a colorful, drama packed way, but they offer the discerning reader plenty of opportunity for righteous indignation. For a long time I was so outraged by the cartoons AA aims at adolescents that I neglected to notice the obvious in the ones intended for adult men and women.
There's a lot there to get worked up about, let me tell you.
It's obvious that AA is aiming at a very different demographic with this comic book intended for women.
Unlike the relatively successful, stable, married Joe, poor Alice is a single mother with legal and financial problems, raising her children all alone. Her husband, (or ex-husband, I don't believe the cartoon ever specifies which), appears to be a deadbeat dad who never pays the bills on time and wants to take her children away. The only people in the world who seem to give a damn about Alice are her mother and her attorney.
Alice isn't greatly tempted to drink by the promise of fun.
When Alice goes to her first meeting, she's greeted at the door by women.
Only women are pictured talking to her. She's surrounded by women, exclusively, in fact. A few
men can be seen lurking in the background, but the women form a protective phalanx around her. Apparently the GSO thinks the subliminal promise of a romantic interlude is not the angle to take when attempting to attract prospective female members.
There is no fairy tale ending for Alice.
There is no reconciliation with her husband, who continues his campaign of threats even after she stops drinking. The comic book offers no subliminal hint of sexual adventure in her future. Yeah, she makes a lot of new girlfriends, but are we being told that the best AA has to offer Alice is the chance to be a better mother to her children?
What I object to most is the way the AA women in the pamphlet are portrayed as so helpful and protective.
Sorry, girls, but AA is simply not like that. Perhaps the male lurkers in the background and the circular barrier of women portrayed in the pictures is the GSO's way of warning the female newcomer to be on guard. Why don't they just come out with it? I'd rather they showed AA like it really is.
Might I suggest an alternative scenario for a new AA comic strip, perhaps it could be titled, "Jane: 13 Stepped at the Door".
Plot:
Jane, an underage drinker, or a comfortable housewife, a college student, or even a beat up old tramp, finds that her drinking has spiraled out of control and decides to try AA. She goes by herself. At her very first AA meeting she's swarmed at the door by every male under sixty and maybe even a couple of old geezers.
With few exceptions, the other women are jealous and decide to snub her. Some of the more compassionate ones have been stung by newcomers a few times already and are unwilling to risk it happening again. The one or two women who do attempt to befriend her are looking for some advantage in doing so, probably financial. Jane does, after all, have a job.
None of the women offer her their phone number, but most of the men do. Jane does find a sponsor, a controlling woman with ulterior motives who tells her that she needs to "find her part" in every bad relationship she ever went through. Jane, a natural caregiver and a formerly abused woman with extremely low self-esteem becomes suicidally depressed halfway through the steps.
Her physical isolation is perceived as vulnerability by all of the fast talking alcoholic con men in her group. They single her out, having quickly determined that Jane has no one who really cares about her.
In no time at all, Jane either becomes tied to the worst possible AA man for her particular personality type, or else gets passed around a bit before she finally wises up. She then has several options; she either falls into line and becomes an abuser herself, gets fed up and quits AA altogether, or goes home and washes down a couple of bottles of pills with a fifth of generic vodka.
That's Real AA.
It's not the kind of AA the admen write about, though. If they told it like it is, no woman would ever want to set foot inside the door.
And that's the point of this exercise.
The propaganda disseminated by AA's GSO targets specific demographics with the acumen of a Madison Avenue ad agency.
All in the name of Recovery.
My animation consists of clippings from the pamphlet titled "It Happened to Alice", copyright 2006, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., with the addition of a few comments of my own.
I have borrowed excerpts here under the provision for fair use, (educational use, parody, and satire), included in the US Copyright Act.
Maybe I'll make a gif of the GSO kiddie cartoons one of these days, if I can find the time.
The cleverly illustrated Alcoholics Anonymous WSO cartoon pamphlet,
"What Happened to Joe...", seems fairly innocuous at first glance.
If you look more closely, and, in particular if you compare it with other illustrated pamphlets distributed by AA's GSO, it is apparent that the creative team at AA headquarters is as astute as
any other advertising agency when it comes to promoting their product to a specific demographic.
There are at least two comic book style pamphlets intended for adults, one for men and one for women.
I've made an animation out of clippings taken from the comic book intended to attract the adult male, with a couple of my own comments thrown in.
To be fair, the pamphlet gives a fairly accurate picture of one type of male alcoholic.
The AA portrayed is decidedly Not the down and dirty, no holds barred, Peyton Place AA that I attended. AA promotional material presents a highly romanticized portrait of the AA fellowship ideal.
I do not believe this fellowship exists in the real world. Neither do any of the ex-members I'm acquainted with.
There is a prominent subliminal message within the pages of this booklet.
It's subtle, but only in the sense that nowhere is it actually spelled out. Happily married Joe seems to spend all his meeting time talking to, or in close proximity to, the many women that attend the same meetings that he does. The implications of this will become more apparent when I post my commentary on how the GSO's hired ad men have chosen to present AA to prospective women.
When you're selling to men, no matter what product, sex sells.
I find that a pretty damn cynical posture for an organization that professes to hold dear such virtues as honesty and making amends, especially in light of the rampant sexual exploitation within the fellowship. Judging from the pamphlet, the potential for romance isn't remote, either. If character Joe's experience is any indication, sexual adventure is practically guaranteed.
I strongly suggest you read the actual pamphlet, "What happened to Joe...",
copyright 2003, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
I have borrowed excerpts here under the provision for fair use, (educational use, parody, and satire), included in the US Copyright Act.
I can't speak for everyone, but for me the answer is simple:
I want Full Disclosure!
1) I want the courts to stop ordering Anyone to go to AA.
I want AA to stop offering itself to the courts.
2) I want Colleges and Universities to stop promoting the steps as The Treatment of Choice for chemical dependency.
I want educators to expose future professionals to the full range of available treatment options, in particular those based on science rather than religion.
3) I want the GSO to take responsibility for predatory behavior among the fellowship.
I want AA to issue a Warning, in pamphlet form, for newcomers to AA.
I want this pamphlet to state that AA is Not like a supervised medical or psychiatric "support group".
I want AA to inform the newcomer that he or she Must be on guard against criminal behavior among members of the fellowship.
4) I want the therapeutic community to stop recommending 12 step programs to every Tom Dick and Mary who admits they might have a problem with drugs and Alcohol.
I want them to offer evidence-based treatments for chemical dependency first.
5) Most of all, I want Everyone who suffered abuse, exploitation, or emotional distress during their time in AA and NA to speak out.
I want them to scream about it from the rooftops.
I want them to bitch, complain, gripe, kvetch, and whine about the horrible time they had in AA until Doctors and Therapists start to listen to our stories.
I want the therapeutic community to stop referring those people who became depressed or unhinged in a 12 step program back to the program that depressed and unhinged them.
I want every addict and alcoholic to have a chance to find help from someone, anyone, anywhere, who might have a better suggestion to offer than just "go to a meeting" and "Let Go and Let God".
I want to Never hear another story about so-and-so who got preyed upon or became depressed and offed themselves while they were a member of AA.
I want AA to step down and take its rightful place as merely One among Many treatment options that an alcoholic is offered when they are desperately seeking help with their drinking problem.
Is AA a "real" cult? Some say yes, others scoff at the idea.
I can't attest to whether or not the AA Organization fits the definition of a "real" cult, but I can say that for the most part, the groups that I attended do, as does the online AA community.
from Wikipedia:
"Cult pejoratively refers to a group whose beliefs or practices could be, reasonably or unreasonably, considered strange. The term was originally used to denote a system of ritual practices. The narrower, derogatory sense of the word is a product of the 20th century, especially since the 1980s, and is a result of the anti-cult movement, which uses the term in reference to groups seen as authoritarian, exploitative and possibly dangerous. The popular, derogatory sense of the term has no currency in academic studies of religions, where "cults" are subsumed under the neutral label of "new religious movement", while academic sociology has partly adopted the popular meaning of the term."
My interpretation, based on what I have read by "cult experts",
(including but not limited to: Eileen Barker PhD., Isaac Bonewits, Steve Eichel, Shirley Harrison, Janja Lalich, Ph.D. & Michael D. Langone, Ph.D., James R. Lewis, Robert J. Lifton, and Steven Hassan.) The word "cult" is too broad to come up with a checklist for "cult" that everyone can agree on. If you take the writings of many scholars and psychiatrists who specialize in mind control, however, a pattern of cult characteristics considered definitive by most authorities can be seen.
1) Separatism, or us versus them thinking
(Yes for AA)
2) Aggressive recruitment
(Yes for AA, see my "Promotion, not Attraction" post)
3) Deceptive recruitment
(Yes for AA, "don't give them the religious stuff too soon, etc.)
4) a simplistic, seemingly logical explanation for all of life's problems
(Yes for AA, "selfishness, self-centeredness, just let go and let god")
5) intolerance of criticism
(Yes for AA, come on, if you haven't seen this intolerance you're wearing blinders)
6) discouragement of individuality, critical thought, and analysis (of group teachings, specifically), a need for obedience and dependency on the group
(Yes for AA)
7) confession of former "sins"
(Yes for AA)
8) sacred science; group has a higher purpose, the teachings come from god or someone who knows will of god
(Yes for AA)
9) demonization, of, hatred of, and attempts to discredit former members
(Yes for AA; just look at AA member comments online)
In addition, according to some experts:
10) "the group is not answerable to the law" is the defining characteristic of a destructive cult
(Yes for AA, as regards 13 stepping and predatory member behavior, the organization refuses to take measures to prevent it. AA also justifies soliciting the courts to violate first amendment rights.)
I could go into lengthy explanations of each criteria but will exercise restraint at this point.
More, however, will be posted, as soon as it has been revealed....
